JD'S MAN STORIES

I have been accused of being a lot of things in my day. I’ve been called a flirt, a drunk, a comedian, and a man without standards. I would like to tell you that my reputation has been greatly exaggerated, but I would be lying. Maybe a story would help to illustrate my point.

Summer parties and a whole bottle of Jagermeister always add up to one hell of an interesting night. In this particular event my friend Laura threw a shindig and invited about 30 plus people over to her apartment. Shortly after arriving I am well on my way down good ole drunken lane, babysitting my bottle of Jager in one hand (we all know you can’t leave a bottle unmanned at a party) and a beer in the other.

Alcohol is one of my great sources of power when it comes to girls.

Before I know it, I am stumbling around the apartment being the very social drunk that I am. I am making jokes and doing more shots, meeting random people and having a lot of fun. It is around this time that I find myself making out with a girl. Not just any girl, but my friend Laura.

Laura and I are just friends. Laura works with my mom. Laura and I have been friends for a long time. Normally, I would not be sucking face with my friend like this. But I’m drunk, and well, it was there!

Something is in the air tonight between us for sure.

After our ass grabbing sloppy make out session right out in the open, Laura says something about never knowing I felt this way before.

I shrug and tell her that I kind of like her.

We end up hanging out a little bit more, and making out a few more times, when finally she tells me she wants to head to her bedroom.

I tell her that would be a great idea.

She takes one last shot, tells me to head in after her shortly, and leaves.

I make a mental note to do only one more shot, and then proceed to Laura’s for some sex.

The next few minutes are a blur however. I do my shot and think that I start to head to Laura’s bedroom, but in all honesty, I don’t remember. One thing about alcohol folks, it will make your brave, but it will make you stupid. In my case, I get highly distractible.

Before I know it I get completely side tracked. I end up arm wrestling guys on the kitchen table, involved in a pinching contest, and finally join a game of beer pong with some innocent looking cutie who needs a partner.

She seems to like me, and I just go along with it. She’s really cute.

A couple of games go by and this girl and I end up sitting on the couch talking.

She is telling me something about her family or her brother when I realize that I’ve had too much to drink.

At this point I am completely sloshed trying to keep my head up as I slowly develop a serious case of the spins! I lift my head up realizing what’s coming next, the wonderful combination of liquors and beers churning in my stomach like a wash machine on the spin cycle, it is the perfect storm.

I start to gasp violently, “guhh! GUHHH GUHHHH!!!”

I brace myself clenching the couch cushion with one hand and the cuties thigh to my right with the other. There is really nothing much you can do at this point except try and bring yourself together for the couple of seconds you have left and find a good place to let the hell within unleash its fury.

And well, I guess right there was good enough. I let out an explosion of vomit all over my pants shirt and this poor girl next to me.

I would apologize, but I barely comprehend what is going on.

The girl jumps up and escorts me to the bathroom as I attempt to cover my mouth with my hand. But the barrier is holding about as well as a cork in a geyser. The vomit gushes through my fingers leaving a distinct trail of puke leading all the way to the bathroom.

The cutie pulls me in and pushes me over the toilet.

Let the puke-fest begin!

I pass out after praying to the porcelain gods for what feels like forever.

When I come back to consciousness I am in the second bedroom with the cutie straddling me and my pants at my ankles.

HOLY SHIT!

For a moment I wonder if this is just an alcohol-induced fantasy, so I reach out and grab her boob hard.
They’re definitely real.

She yelps.

“Sorry,” I tell her.

“What’d you do that for?” she asks.

I shrug that I needed to make sure it was real.

She gives me an upset look.

“Oh no,” I correct myself. “Not like that. I meant I had to check if this was a dream or not.”

She tells me I’m supposed to pinch myself.

“Whatever.”

As our foreplay continues, I realize that I my sexual urges are currently locked in mortal combat with a terrible case of whiskey dick. I try to mentally intervene, and force an erection by focusing on the half naked girl straddling me. My little soldier struggles valiantly, and actually manages to stand at half mass. I decide it’s good enough, and slip it in the cutie.

We end up fucking for only a couple of minutes. Or rather, I lay there helpless and drunk, as she fucks me and my half limp dick for only a couple of minutes, when we hear knocking at the door.

The mystery cutie tells me to hold on, and that she’ll be right back.

Where the hell am I gonna go? Honestly? I can barely even keep my eyes open let alone try and pry myself out of the bed.

Exit mystery cutie.

Without cutie around I quickly go limp.

Begin the waiting.

I sit there anxiously awaiting her return. Five minutes go by then ten. I stand to get impatient, and sleepiness is beginning to win out over horniness. I get upset.

“What’s going on out there? Where did she go?!”

After sitting there wondering where this girl has gone for nearly 20 minutes, I decide to go look for her. I literally roll out of bed and fall on the floor.

Carpet feels weird on naked penis.

I struggle to my feet and pull up my pants.

Walking out the door, I notice that a lot of people have left—the party is dying. I ask around about mystery girl.

“Have you seen that girl? The girl that I puked on?”

One of the guys responds. “Yeah man, she just left. Did you tap that man?”

“Wait… what do you mean she left?!” I exclaim. “Like she isn’t here anymore? As in ‘gone and not coming back’?!”

He nods.

“SHIT! FUCK! TITS!”

I can’t believe she just left like that I didn’t even find out her name.

As I slump down and try to put the pieces of why I’m not getting laid right now together, I get angered at the fact that I ditched Laura for the mystery girl. Wait a tick… I ditched Laura! I totally forgot up until this point that she was waiting in her bedroom, willing and eager to fuck me.

I ask a couple of people if they’ve seen her. Maybe she’s still in her room waiting for me!

The reports however, are not good. People tell me that she came out looking for me, but no one knew where I went. She ended up bringing some other guy into her room!

FUCK!

I find myself in the kitchen, taking shots again, trying to erase the memory of two blown opportunities in one night. Things get pretty hazy around here and the night ends.

I wake up the next morning to the soggy swampy feeling of my vomit pants pasted on my skin like half dried Elmer’s glue. Slowly realizing what had occurred the night before, I sit up on the couch to gather myself for a minute.

As if on cue, the bedroom door opens and Laura steps out.

“You look hung over as hell!”

I smirk.

She doesn’t seem mad though. “Maybe you should come watch a movie in my room for a bit before you drive home. But be quiet my sister is sleeping in my bed,” she says.

Unexpected, but I shrug and comply. I dismiss any thoughts of renewing our drunken naughtiness, considering her sister is literally going to be in bed with her and I am currently a disgusting wretch.

When I stumble into her room, I notice a peeled condom wrapper lying on the floor next to her bed.

Hmmm, looks like someone got some ass last night… and it wasn’t me.

Laura and I crawl into her bed and pull the covers over us. Her sister out like a light next to us, and we lay there quietly, for quite some time without saying a word. Eventually, her foot lightly nudges mine. I kind of nudge back a bit, casually. She pushes back again, more forceful this time.

In the corner of my eye the used condom wrapper reminds me that I’m sloppy seconds in this particular ride. Not to mention her sister is sleeping in the same bed with us, and I am caked in vomit and ditched this girl last night for a cuter one. But what can I say… I have loose morals.

Before I know it, my pants are and my ankles again and Laura’s underwear is tossed across the room. I slip my little warrior—this time at full salute—into her, and she gasps. We proceed to thrust away, as passionately but as sneakily as we can. We hold in our moans and groans, in our attempts to not disturb her sister.

Again however, I get to fuck for only a few minutes before it’s interrupted.

Her sister stirs. First gently, and we pause, hoping she may fall back asleep. But our efforts are in vain, as a moment later she wakes up.

We shoot her guilty smiles and she seems kind of oblivious to the whole matter. Still, with her awake it feels kind of weird to keep going, and I’m pretty sure Laura wants me to stop. Realizing that I’m not going to be able to take it any further, I decide it was a good time to bail out.

On the ride home, I feel like Swamp Thing. I can barely stand the stench that is emanating from my clothing. My head is pounding from my hang over, and I start to run over all the events of last night, and realize how crazy it all was. I made out with one of my friends, sent her to her bedroom to wait for me to come fuck her, then I proceeded to pick up another girl, puked on her, puked on myself, puked in the toilet, woke up to find her grinding on me, stuck my penis inside her, got ditched, got drunker, passed out, and woke up to resume the sexual escapades with the friend I ditched the night before, after that friend had fucked a random.

As bad as I feel for myself however, I wonder what possessed those girls to want to fuck a drunk, sloppy, vomit covered guy like myself.

The first thing I do when I go home is take a long, hot shower. The second thing I do, is decide that it may be a good idea to re-evaluate my standards. I quickly scratch that notion however, and instead book an appointment at my local clinic for a check up!