Well, this very true tale begins with a senior, me, in New Caney, Texas. During high school I was cut from a basketball team that I was easily good enough to play on because I protested to the coach at the end of my Junior season about his treatment of the current Seniors. There were two seniors in particular that practiced every day and did not get in one game all regular season. The last game we were winning by 18 points with about a minute and a half and the coach refused to let them in.

Shitty, huh.

Well, pity me for objecting to coach knows-it-all-douche-bag. He told me to not even bother to try out next year because I had no chance to play or even make the team.

Well, I moved and played at a better school and for a better team but that’s not what’s important in this story. Just remember Coach was an asshole.

When I hit 21, I was single and hanging out with my single cousin, literally out 5 nights a week causing havoc. One night, being the good wing man that I was, I took the token “Fat Friend” home to my cousins house so that he could sleep with her much finer counterpart. In my defense, she wasn’t grotesque in her obesity, but make no mistake, she was a big-un.

So yeah, we started making out and I got her naked. I figured I was on the bus to tuna town, but alas, while she should have been happy to have my drunken body vibrating and gyrating to some unknown rhythm on top of her, she wasn’t. She let me get her completely naked and play with her for a bit and then get inches from the ham sandwich, when suddenly it was: “No, Stop, Don’t!”

Boooo. But whatever.

I told her “That’s cool, I’m going to go to sleep now…” and I did just that. I couldn’t fall asleep next to her mind you ‘cause it was a normal size couch and she was already sleeping on it so I broke out the Flip and Fuck.

For those of you who don’t know, a Flip and Fuck is a soft chair that is essentially three couch cushions stuck together that folds out or up. I unfolded that and crashed.

At about 2:30 in the morning I got a call from this girl, Kim, that I had been trying to get with for a couple months. I’d been putting in the phone games and keeping in touch just often enough that she thought I was kind of in to her but not enough to where I smothered her. But that night, lucky me, she was drunk and feeling frisky. She wanted to know if she could come over and spend the night.

Well, what to do here… I picked honesty. I explained to her the situation and told her that while I “messed around” with Beefsticks, I hadn’t smashed it.

To my surprise Kim asked if she could come over anyways! I guess sometimes honest is the best policy.

I looked over at the pound cake snoring on the couch, and decided to hell with it. I told her to come.
Kim came over, and we did the duty on the Flip and Fuck while chunky-monkey watched and pretended she was sleeping.

In the morning, Kim got up and couldn’t find her pants so she started walking around my cousin’s apartment in her cute little panties. My kinfolk woke up and saw Kim stumbling around half naked with Jabba the Hutt still on the sofa, not fully clothed herself. He just started laughing loud enough to wake his “date.”

At some point around here, Kim picked up a photo of my high school basketball days that I had out to check out yours truly, looking handsome in my basketball uniform. She then informed me: “Hey, small world, that’s my uncle Castleberry.”

“What?” I asked.

“Your coach here,” she told me. “And I’m supposed to eat dinner with him tonight. Do you want me to tell him you said hi?”

Why Yes, Kim. I do want you to tell him that.

So Coach, if you ever read this, the reason why your niece wore boxers to your Thanksgiving dinner is because she lost her pants in my house due to the fact that the night before she was busy getting nailed by a guy who couldn’t land a porker, on the floor in front of said-porker. Thanks for all your advice and guidance Coach.

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