On my 21st Birthday I fly over from Ireland to Edinburgh, Scotland for the week. I end up staying at a flat on my own. Most of my mates can’t go out during the week so I sit in most days bored shitless. I inevitably spend most of my day watching fights on YouTube and internet porn.

This continues for about 4 days and finally the weekend rolls around, we obviously get shittered and hit the bars.

While we’re out, my mate points out a girl in the crowd who is noted for her promiscuity. I speculate for a moment and reply, “Nah, just gonna get blind drunk and have a laugh with the lads”.

At the stroke of 3am I’ve certainly succeeded in my “blind drunk” quest but now have a raging horn. Luckily, my friend organizes an after party at his place.

So everyone is sitting round drinking and playing spin the bottle, eventually everyone fades and it’s just me and promiscuous girl. We talk briefly, and then she gets up to go to bed and tells me that I can sleep on the couch. I immediately start arguing with her, and she relents and invites me into her room.

I assume this is it.

We get into bed and she immediately rolls over and tries to fall asleep!

I poke her in the back and suggest a massage. She agrees.

I quickly lift what I thought was essential oils or some shit. After about a half an hour I’ve got her in her birthday suit and, long story short, end up spending most of the night going down on her cause I wasn’t “rising” to the occasion.

I eventually try anyway but it’s like playing snooker with a rope, so I roll over and sleep instead.

The next morning I wake up and realize that my hands are stained brown. I suddenly panic, thinking that I was eating out the wrong hole last night. Lucky for me I wasn’t, but it doesn’t make the finale any better. Those “essential oils” I was using turned out to be fake tan and her back now looked like she’d been rolling around in shit and my fingers looked like I’d been shoving them up my ass.

I contemplate waking her up, but decide it’s better to leave good enough alone. I gather up my shit and get the hell out of there.

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